You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off