How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge