I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.