i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.