i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
weddings should have a worst man
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
I love texting my boyfriend
