Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
As per my last nervous breakdown
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?