The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store