I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
(Musicians.)
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I know
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.