Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice