Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”