Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
2022 will be better than 2021
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The first matador
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later: