Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
No. He’s not coming out to play
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi