carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot