breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I think this cat is broken
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
(Electricians.)
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.