Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
what do you want
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like 鈥渨hat do yall want? Advice? Cause I don鈥檛 have any money鈥滾MAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
True story 馃ぃ
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I鈥檓 surprised I have any cat left at all.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what鈥檚 your twitter
me: i don鈥檛 have twitter
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.