“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Every BBC series about the universe.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭