Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Maths meets science
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.