Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Every BBC series about the universe.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part