Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?