It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
can’t catch a break
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?