Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Maths meets science
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂