sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: