this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.