You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
How animals would run if they were human
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.