Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me irl
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: