I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.