Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.