I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”