At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…