The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”