Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password