*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.