Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.