If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
You better watch out
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.