I hate my earbuds.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane