[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”