No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit