This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
the official breakfast of 2021
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’m being attacked 😭
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡