[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
the official breakfast of 2021
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”