I’m being attacked 馃槶
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
SICK鈥橢M SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 馃槨馃槨
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Can鈥檛 afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler