Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I’m being attacked 😭
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*