I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.