My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I never needed anything more in my life
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Check your privilege
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her