Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults