Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*watches the world burn*
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)