At least try to make it slightly believable
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Sheep
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up