[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.