Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
what do you want
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
True story 🤣
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.