We’ve come full circle
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story