Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Seek kebab; not attention
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.